This summer, after 10 years of ministry, I finally stood at the end of a church aisle as the groom, not the minister. I waited, filled with joy, as my beautiful bride was escorted down the aisle of her church by our 6-year-old son. We spoke aloud our vows to one another, vows we’d written ourselves. We formally and fully entered into our marriage covenant, with one another, with God, and with marriage itself.
My religious tradition, Unitarian Universalism, emphasizes covenant, committing oneself into the unknown future, promising to walk with another in the spirit of love and truth. When I spoke my vows to my wife, I knew this was for life. I felt myself to be in the presence of God. I felt joyful and present even as I felt nervous, hearing my own words and praying for the strength and clarity to uphold them day to day.
Ministering to many couples preparing for marriage has led me to witness the power of the marriage covenant. But experiencing that power as a groom is another thing altogether.
“Do you feel different now?” people have asked. Yes. I love the feeling of solidity on the other side of this spiritual passage, knowing my wife and I are one. I also feel different because people and institutions are treating us differently, externally reinforcing the internal and relational commitment.
Strangers close to home and those we met far away on our honeymoon have honored the fact that we are married, in small but helpful ways. American society recognizes our union with more than 1,000 benefits: health insurance, tax breaks and many others, including the incalculable benefits of marriage if a disaster befalls. Our country has decided that it is in its best interest — for stability if nothing else — to support marriages.
While I am grateful for this support, I am grieved that some who want it do not have it. We had wedding guests and friends who were same-sex couples with relationships much longer than ours. The security my wife and I now enjoy is not shared by couples whose love and commitment has stood the test of decades. I am saddened to know that their bond of love is not recognized by our social and legal systems, making things such as inheritance, parenting or even hospital visits more difficult.
When you’re legally married, this difficulty isn’t likely to happen. I believe in and pray that all loving and committed couples find equal treatment and affirmation of the sanctity of their love.
My tradition teaches that what makes a marriage sacred is the love and commitment of the couple, forming a covenant of fidelity into an unknown future. I want our society to know the stability that will come when so many more of its adult citizens can settle into the security of marriage. I want all loving, committed, betrothed couples to be able to have what my wife and I have.
The Rev. Stephen Ames, who took his wife’s last name when they married, is minister of the Unitarian Universalist Church in Eugene. This column is coordinated by Lane Interfaith Alliance to offer inspiration, share personal spiritual experiences and bring a deeper understanding of individual faith perspectives with the intention of blessing our community and world. For information, visit www.laneinterfaithalliance.org or call 344-5693.