Thinking about right and wrong reminds me of Jesus’ injunction, ”Judge not, lest you be judged.” How can we free ourselves from habitual, often unconscious, moralistic judgments? For help with this challenge, I turn to Marshall Rosenberg’s simple yet powerful practice of nonviolent communication, a well-used roadmap in my spiritual glove box.
I share a simplified example using the four steps of this empathy-evoking communication model to “translate” a judgment I recently had. “So-and-so is so inconsiderate! She should call me more.”
First I make a neutral observation free of evaluation. “She has not called me in the last month.”
Next I identify my feelings about the situation, steering clear of any interpretations. “I feel hurt, disappointed, lonely, hopeless.”
Then I identify my basic, unmet universal human values and needs, the source of my feelings. I sense I am in need of attention, caring, support.
Finally, I make a clear, doable request without demand. I call my friend and communicate the first three steps above. To include her needs, I request that she share how she feels about what I said. Relieved, reconnected, more hopeful, now I can listen.
Inspired by compassion to look at situations in terms of observations, feelings, needs and requests — instead of judgments — I am liberated from labeling, criticizing or blaming myself or others. It reminds me that judgments are an expression of painful feelings resulting from unmet needs, rather than what another person should or shouldn’t do.
Giving and receiving “shoulds” seems to be a sure-fire way to increase the potential for alienation and decrease compassionate cooperation among people.
Beyond a doubt, the awareness of needs has greatly increased my capacity for compassion and navigating difficult conversations. In addition, when I notice pesky self-judgments, I use the same process to unravel my seemingly endless conflicted yearnings, mindful of the natural dynamic between frustration and fulfillment.
At this depth of vulnerable aliveness, we are each co-equal members of the human race.
Here is where I unite with the “Oneness” referred to in various faith traditions. I feel grateful that the heart-nourishing influence of nonviolent communication serves as an effective way for me to embody Gandhi’s “satyagraha.” Here is a path that leads to the field Rumi talked about, where I would like to meet you and everyone else, where I can always go to meet my self.
Lisa-Marie DiVincent is a private counselor, mediator and nondenominational spiritual practitioner. This column is coordinated by Lane Interfaith Alliance, which brings spiritual perspectives and solutions to issues in our communities. For information, visit www.laneinterfaithalliance.org or call 344-5693.