“Oh God,” prayed a saintly minister, “Help me. I love everyone, it’s just individuals I can’t stand.”
How often the ones with whom we have the most conflict are those with whom we dwell. The 50 percent divorce rate is sad evidence of that truth.
Thirty-eight years ago I was the single, custodial parent of four sons. I met, loved and married Phyllis, who had three daughters and a son. At first I walked on pink clouds. I adored Phyllis and wanted to be with her all the time. No effort was needed for me to feel joyous, romantic love. It flowed spontaneously from being together.
In time we saw that our original romantic love — the delighted approval and excited admiration — was unable to create the attitudes or behavior necessary for the long-term harmony of the marriage and family. While love is the most powerful force in the world, it’s not felt when you’re seething in anger. For love to survive the differences in every relationship, I found that it needs to become the unconditional love that is kindness, unselfishness, helpfulness, sympathy, commitment, benevolence, compassion and forgiveness.
Unconditional love is what Jesus referred to when he said, “Love your opponents and desire blessings for anyone who mistreats you” (Matt. 5:44). That serious concern for another’s happiness, regardless of how they’re acting, is like the divine love that God extends to all as “the welcome sun that shines on bad and good persons.”
I found a way to pursue that effort by taking time regularly to meditate on what unconditional love might entail. I review my marriage to see how I would like to express that ultimate love. I realize that the Creator of life is known as love because it graciously gives. I want to see myself as the creation of that love. Life as love is in me, as what I intrinsically am.
Expressing love that cares more for another’s happiness than my own can be difficult. I am helped when I identify myself with the essential life in me that is love. I want it to elevate me to be the love I truly am, so I can express it in my marriage and family.
Here is how I pray then. I seek and surrender to God’s infinite love and let it wash over me. That perfect love gives me a fresh start every day. And it gives me persons to love and cherish. The joy I feel is the joy of God realizing itself in me.
I am free to be as loving as I want to be. I have the ability to look right through anyone’s temporary undesirable behavior and imagine the wonderful God-life that’s central to their being. In the spiritual life I can include the ability to love and be kind to unlovely persons.
Unconditional love releases me from anger and criticism. Its power puts me on the road of happiness. I cannot fail for God’s perfect love is supporting, strengthening, guiding me.
The Rev. Edgar Peara is minister emeritus of a Unitarian Universalist church in Illinois and a member of the Unitarian Universalist Church in Eugene. This column is coordinated by Lane Interfaith Alliance, a network of more than 40 religious traditions and spiritual teachings.